


Don't deserve to be here

by Tiacchi



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reflection, mentions of the other characters, mostly about philip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 14:10:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8803876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiacchi/pseuds/Tiacchi
Summary: Philip reflects on their current situation... And how he should be where Lukas is now





	

It should be **him**.

The whole situation started out with the two of them in the cabin, sure. Lukas could argue that if he was conscious... But Philip knew the **truth**. It was his fault the killer got Lukas... Not him. He should've told Helen the truth from the start. Should've admitted he and Lukas were together, making out and half naked in his cabin when the killer showed up.  He was the one under the bed, and Lukas was the one to save him from being shot.

He was **saved**.. Once again.

It was HIS jacket that got Tommy and Tracy killed. If he'd confessed sooner, instead of keeping quiet because of a simple kiss... Tommy would've been alive.. They could've gotten through this _together_. Instead, he's the only one alive and conscious, while Lukas lays there, hooked up to monitors and a breathing machine.. God..  He can't even look at him without wanting to scream.

Philip doesn't deserve to be here; alive, mobile... breathing...

He **needs** Lukas.. Like the very air he breathes.. Without him, living has no meaning.. Oh how he wants to trade places with him so badly.. He thought his childhood was the worst of his problems... But he got through that, carrying several scars, but still alive nonetheless..

But when he saw Lukas fly through the air, his heart stopped, mind completely flipped off and he.. **panicked**.

He can't do this... He doesn't have anyone who's strong for him... 

Gabe... Helen... Bo... Even Kamilah... They don't understand... Or maybe they do, and he's just thinking they don't so he can take all the blame for himself. He **deserves** it. Deserves to be in Lukas' place.., He was supposed to protect him! To **be** there for him when he needed him! He's the one who's always been protected, been sheltered from every issue in his life. He drowns it out with water, sounds that do little to ease the pain.. 

Not even alcohol could drown his sorrows... Because he always did it with Lukas.

Everywhere he goes, there he is; smiling and laughing. His blue eyes sparkling with pure adoration and happiness... Even when he's scared, Lukas is beautiful, so full of life.. Unlike him, who does little to show how he really feels.. Before this, he didn't need anybody.

Now he can't **survive** without him.

It sucks... His knuckles shake, whether it's with fear or anger, he's not sure.. Teeth dig painfully into his bottom lip, trying to calm the trembling.  His fingers grab the blanket, itching to lace with Lukas', but each time he touches him,  he only feels cold... What used to contain warmth and compassion is now engulfed with guilt and pain.

It should be **HIM**.

Not even Rose's words of comfort seemed to help him.. If anything, it made him worse... Here was this kind, gentle, loving girl who loved Lukas.. Who was there **for** him, supporting him the best she could.. NOW supporting HIS boyfriend... All because he was selfish... If he didn't come to Tivoli, Lukas wouldn't have been hurt... He wouldn't be laying unconscious in the sheets, clinging to life without any knowledge of what's going on through his mind. 

His heart is in utter chaos, legs shaking and stuck to the floor like glue.. He can't stand up... He shouldn't even be breathing the same air as Lukas... But here he is, once again, greedily taking in what's left of his sunshine presence. Of what innocence is left... He should've left when he had the chance... He should've walked away and never looked back...

But he was stuck here... With Lukas... In Tivoli with Gabe and Helen... 

All because he was finally accepted and welcomed... He grits his teeth, burying his face in the palms of his hands, trying hard to contain his sobs. But he's been crying for about fifteen minutes now... And he's grateful no one has said anything, or has asked him to leave. He couldn't even if he wanted to.. 

He's such a fuck up... A huge disgrace and mess...

Yet he can't find himself to get up and leave...

All Philip can think about is how everything is his fault... How Lukas should be the one awake and alive... Kissing him, hugging him... Even just sitting NEXT to him, breathing the same air.

He took this sunshine away from the rest of the world... Everything is his fault...

_'It should be me.'_

**Author's Note:**

> Because this week's episode has inspired me with this angst.. I really can't wait to watch it! I hope you like it!


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